


I Get By

by Errant_Espionage



Category: Avengers (Comics), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drama & Romance, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-09-30 18:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17229284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Errant_Espionage/pseuds/Errant_Espionage
Summary: Sometimes people get low, and sometimes it's their families that put them there. Kitty Stark finds out the hard way





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been dealing with a pretty nasty case of the blues. This is the manifestations of it. If you need help, talk to someone. Tomorrow is a new day. I own nothing, except for my lovingly crafted O/C. Please read, please review. I'm always up for requests.  
> xoxoxo

       The Chicago winter air is a different cold than I remember from anywhere else. It’s frigid, biting almost, but something about it is comforting. It almost reminds me of the winters back home, but the air smells different. Tony says it smells dirty, but it’s not unlike New York in that respect. It smells like a city, but something about it is much more inviting than New York. I can smell pizza and hot dogs, again not unlike New York, but if I was being honest, I’d grow to like the food here much more. I took another long drag from the menthol cigarette clutched tightly between my fingers, the smoke swirling with the breath leaving my lungs and lingering heavily in front of me. The taste was foul, it always was, but it was the action and the slight burn in the back of my throat that brought the comfort. There was another thick blanket of snow covering the ground. We’d gotten slammed with another lake-effect storm that brought nearly a foot with it. Even with my body pulled up on the weathered wooden picnic table that came with the house the snow nearly met my bent knees.

      “Thought you gave that shit up?” I nearly launched myself forward off the table and into the snowy abyss beneath me at the sound of the amused voice behind me.

      “How in the hell did you get in?” Clint Barton stood resolutely in a thick winter jacket and black hat pulled low over his ears. There was no amusement in his features he was all seriousness as he approached the table, settling himself onto the corner of it, letting the snow erase his boots from view.  He shrugged once before plucking the cigarette from my hands and plunging it into the snow.

       “I have clearance. Well I assumed I still did anyway. Looks like I was right. Parker looked pretty surprised to see me though.” I still hadn’t really looked at him, forcing my eyes to meet the rising skyline peeking above the stone wall that surrounded the small back yard.

        “Why wouldn’t you? Nothing’s changed. I’m just surprised FRIDAY didn’t alert me.”

        “I think a lot has changed. Come home.” It wasn’t an order, not really, nor was it pleading. I drew a ragged breath through my teeth before pulling out the pack of cigarettes from my pocket and lighting up another one. No objection came from Clint this time. I continued to stare into nothing for a while and he seemed content to sit in silence with me for the time being.

         “I fucked up.” He chuckled deeply beside me and reached over with two clumsy fingers to swipe away the one stubborn tear that refused to stay back off of my cheek.

          “Well, not like it would be the first time.” I shot him a hurt look and he pulled me into his side and securely under his right arm, his chin perched above my shoulder. “And…it’s not like you’re the only one who’s ever made a mistake.” Another drag off the cigarette centered me again. “But not everyone disappears off the planet to deal with it.” He had me there, and he knew it. I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, pulling at the skin there.

           “I did some pretty stupid things.”

           “Well, so did they. Look, you screwed up on a mission-“

           “Yeah, and almost got Nat killed. It was sloppy and stupid.” Clint sighed, probably knowing he was fighting a losing battle. It was going to be hard to convince me otherwise, mostly because he knew I was right. I had been effectively benched from missions for a couple months. My mind was scattered, my powers on the fritz again for what seemed like the millionth time this year alone.

 _Trauma_. That’s what the shrink said that Tony sent me to. Not that anyone would have a hard time believing it. I had lost my parents, my real parents, in quick succession, seen some pretty brutal things on missions, gotten myself seriously injured a couple of times.   _PTSD._ Sam’s words hung heavily in my ears. I had seen wars, death, been embroiled in battles with beasts of lore, but somehow, for some reason, things here just seemed to hit more heavily. Whatever the root cause, or causes were, they shook me deeply. _Depression, anxiety._ Human concepts, not ones typically associated with mythical beings.

 _“You’re a person, Kitty. You have a brain, a heartbeat, a soul. You feel things the same as anyone else. Everyone’s got problems, we all_ get low _sometimes.”_ Bruce’s words mingled with Sam’s pleading for me to see the signs. And so the next week I did as Tony asked and saw the shrink, and it helped, but it didn’t cure anything, not really. I was still struggling to get my mental strength back, to be of use to the team. I was a warrior, a good fighter even without the help of my mental enhancements, but the lack of them, and the weird sensations and visions that randomly surged through my head were a distraction.

         I had practically begged to go with them. An easy in an out mission, mostly intel collection of a Hydra base, one of the few remaining. But, things weren’t going to go my way anytime soon and in the middle of a shoot-out, I froze. It was like a black out, but full of flashes of old, ancient even, memories. I couldn’t push it out of my mind and Natasha caught a bullet as a consequence. It was an easy through and through over her right hip and she had even laughed it off, not easily shaken by bullet wounds anymore after doing what she did for so long. She was probably on her feet within two days, but I didn’t stick around to find out. I helped her to the jet, listening to her crack stupid jokes the whole way there, not once blaming me, or shaming me and it pissed me off. She should have been reaming me, tearing me apart, but she wasn’t. It only occurred to me later that it was probably because she knew I’d get walloped more than enough by everyone else. She was a good friend.

        Of course that line of thinking had been right in line with what happened as soon as we were joined by everyone else in the jet. Tony walked right past me, not a word or a look in my direction which honestly hurt worse than anything else that was to come. Clint had been next with a sad smile and pat on the shoulder. Then his high holiness Cap came charging up the ramp, first turning attention to Natasha who waved him off as Clint went through the normal motions of temporarily patching the wound up until we got home. I felt myself shrink back into the seat of the jet as far as I could before he rounded on me. His face was littered in small cuts and a nice size bruise covered his cheek. His eyes were bright with anger and his lips were set in a tight line and I braced myself. One large finger uncurled itself from the fist he was clenching at his side and he pointed it threateningly in my face. He got so close I could feel his breath on my face as he began to give me the dressing down I was fully expecting.

 _“I told you this wasn’t a good idea, didn’t I? I told you that you weren’t ready, that you would be_ useless _on this mission. A_ liability.” I had flinched at the words he spat at me, turning my face away from him, trying to keep the tears at bay. Clint had stood from his crouched position at Natasha’s side and taken a step towards us.

_“Hey, Cap, take it easy on her. Nat’s fine it’s just-“_

_“But what if she wasn’t, huh? What if that had been a bullet in her head?”_ It was Bucky’s voice that interrupted Clint’s defense and I felt my heart break a little more. Of course I expected Bucky to take Steve’s side, he always did, but I didn’t expect him to voice his opinion so aggressively. He was leaning against the wall of the jet, his glare burning a hole through my heart. I turned my attention to the ground, not being able to look any of them in the eye. A sudden bang made me jump and a little squeak fell from my mouth as Steve had wheeled half-way from me and slammed his fist into the small overhang on the jet causing it to warp under the force. The tears fell then, and freely. I could hear him turn back towards me now.

 _“You’re_ done, _do you hear me? I don’t want to hear another word from you about a mission. Effective immediately. I won’t let your stubbornness or carelessness compromise_ anyone _else on this team. Do you understand?”_ The words were practically a growl and I thought for the first time ever, in all the years I had known Steve, known my team, my _friends_ , that he just may hit me. Not that I really thought he would. Steve Rogers would never hit a woman, but he sure looked like he wanted to. I nodded jerkily to him and excused myself from the main cabin of the jet, locking myself in the small toilet room for the duration of the flight. I sobbed as quietly as I could as I thought of the disappointment I had been, my friend with a bullet in her, and the fact that through all the searing words Steve had thrown at me, Tony, the man who I regarded as my father, didn’t say a word.  I didn’t think my heart could have broken any more than it had in that moment.

       The jet landed and I waited until everyone was gone before emerging from my sanctuary. The lights were off and I stumbled blindly in the dark and down the ramp, leaving my bag, my phone, my weapons, everything behind. I stood in the dark on the concrete landing pad for some time, trying to figure out what to do next. I stared longing at the steel door that would lead me into the tower, but I knew I couldn’t go in.

 _“Heimdall, please bring me home.”_ The words were a whisper, but I knew he could hear my pleas to him. He had probably been watching me stand there in my misery, waiting for me to say the words. The light engulfed me and I was standing before him, watching him smile sadly at me as I passed by him, dejected and wordless. Thor had been surprised to see me, and when I told him about my complete and utter failure, he hugged me. He promised me that here, I would get the counsel I needed. And so there I stayed for six months, healing one day at a time.

     For some reason, the first person I’d thought to contact when I came back was Peter. I had missed him, this spider-kid from Queens who on shit days, what a bright spot for me. He never faltered in his loyalty and he had been quick to ask if he could stay for a while, over Christmas break. I had quickly agreed and with his aunt’s permission, I’d sent a plane for him that night. He arrived with a gift for me.

 _“You missed Christmas. I was saving it for you.”_ It was one of those charm bracelets that I’d always admired, but never thought I’d personally wear. Sterling silver with a simple clasp and one lone charm hanging from the bottom, a small disk with a fancy script _K_ engraved into it. I hugged him tightly and he let me cry into his shirt on the frozen door step. So a week later he was still here, talking when I wanted to, binge watching Netflix when I didn’t.

    “Hey. You with me?” Two loudly snapping fingers in front of my eyes brought my attention back to Clint, a sad look on his face. I nodded hazily, still halfway lodged in the memories. A last drag of the mostly ash cigarette brought me fully back to the present. “Come home.” He repeated his earlier mantra. I buried my face in my frozen palms.

    “I can’t” The words were ragged and rough as they tried to work their way around the lump in my throat. Soothing hands found their way to my shoulders, working the strained muscles there. “I don’t think I could show my face there again Clint.”

    “Yeah, we thought you’d say that. So we figured we’d show our faces here instead.” I slowly raised my head from hands to look towards the new voice cutting through the air. In the doorway of the open French doors was Tony, arms crossover over his chest, his face lit up dimly by the glowing light in his chest. Clint pressed his lips firmly to the top of my head before sliding off the table and crunching back towards the house, clapping Tony on the back as he passed into the house like he was tagging him in for a wrestling match. He pushed himself off of the door frame, quietly closing the door behind him to keep the arctic air out and advanced toward me. I looked away and back towards the skyline. “May I?” He was gesturing toward the area recently vacated by Clint.

   "Course.” I replied quietly. He took a deep breath before blowing it out his nose loudly and I could tell he was fighting off a comment about the smell, but he refrained.

    “Look, kid, you know I’m not good with this stuff, but I can tell you’re gonna make me do all the talking here. I… _we_ all want you to come home.” I scoffed and shivered at the sudden gust of wind that whipped through the city. I clutched at the arms of my thin sweater, wishing I’d brought a coat.

    “We?”

    “Yes, Barnes and Rogers too. You have an enormous pile of presents to open, of course mine are the best, but you knew that.” He hesitantly rested his hand on my shoulder and I only flinched slightly.

    “Why would anyone buy me presents?”

    “Probably because we love you, but I’m just goin off of past history here.” I sniffled and pawed the tears away from my cheeks that were stubbornly continuing to fall. He sighed noisily again and grabbed my hand in his much warmer one. “If I told you I was sorry a hundred times, it wouldn’t be enough. You…you needed help and when you needed us most, we were total dicks.”

    “I’m better now. I mean, I got my powers back.” At this point he pulled me into the most bone crushing hug I’d ever felt, even from Thor.

    “I don’t _care_ about that. I care about _you,_ the apple of my eye, jewel in my crown. Please stop cryin’ kid, you’re breakin’ that small tiny piece of my heart that still exists.” I choked out a watery laugh and finally brought my own arms up to wrap them firmly around his ribs, gripping like him like a lifeline. He pulled away slightly and fumbled around in the jacket pocket of his zip up sweatshirt and produced a small red box which he offered to me. “That bracelet was kind of a group gift. I’d take all the credit, but it was honestly the kid’s idea.” When I hesitated to take the box he shoved in gently into my hands. I pulled out of his grasp so I could slowly open the lid of the box. Nestled inside was another small charm, this one a petite crown. I looked up to see his amused smile, a hand over his heart. “Queen of my heart.” He deftly undid the clasp of the dainty bracelet and slid his addition onto it before securing it around my wrist once more.

    “Thanks, Dad.” He hummed a reply and patted my shoulders before standing.

    “Rogers wants to plead his case to you out here. I told him it probably wasn’t a good idea since the screaming might bother your neighbors.” He shuffled from foot to foot nervously, I gave him a shrug in reply, which seemed to be all he needed before setting off to the door but turning back to me as he reached for the handle. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry kid.” I gave him the best watery smile I could muster, knowing this apology would be more than I’d get from Steve.  I mentally prepared myself for another searing lecture. This one would probably be all about the irresponsibility of just up and leaving the planet for six months.

    “Thank you.” He smiled again and left me to light up another cigarette, not feeling so bad since I hadn’t really even smoked the last one, just let it turn to ash between my fingers. I wondered how many members of the team were currently huddled up in my house. I let the scalding heat and the chilling menthol burn the back of my throat momentarily before exhaling it just in time for the door to open again, the frame filled by the hulking form of the Captain, my black coat clutched in his left hand.

    He gave me a lopsided grin that didn’t come anywhere close to reaching his eyes. He treaded slowly and carefully, maybe almost calculatingly through the snow towards me. He of course was not dressed for the weather, never really feeling the cold. Just dark jeans and a long sleeve gray shirt, brown boots on his feet the only sign of dressing for the elements. He carefully opened up the jacket and slowly lowered it over my shoulders. An involuntary flinch shook my body. I quietly thanked him and passed the cigarette back between my hands as I pulled my arms through it, relishing its warmth.

    “Captain.” My voice was barely above a whisper as I greeted him. He flinched noticeably at the title. He rocked back on his heels a couple times before steeling himself, working up the nerve to stand in front of me. The quick movement caught me off guard and a scooted back a little on the table. He looked wounded and I _did_ feel bad, not really knowing where this hesitation was coming from.

    “I deserve that. I- _Jesus.”_ He huffed out a loud breath before squatting down on the balls of his feet so he could look at me in the eyes.  A large hand swept through his hair before he dragged it roughly over his face. He roughly plucked the cigarette from between my fingers and I tried to protest as he flicked it clear across the yard but I was stopped by his hands pulling mine into them. The same hands that had put the large dent into the quinjet on my account. I tried to shake the memory from my head as fresh tears burned behind my eyes. I wouldn’t cry in front of him again, I just couldn’t do it. “ _Please_ look at me.” I couldn’t so I let my eyes flit to anything thing else distracting in the yard, or back to the skyline. His grip tightened slightly in another effort to pull my attention to him. I conceded this time, letting my green eyes meet his shining sapphire ones.

    “Steve, I’m so _sorry._ You were right. I was stupid, and stubborn, and reckless. I could have gotten everyone killed. I-“ I was rambling and the tears were errantly falling of their own accord. His breath hitched and he shook his head rapidly.

    “Stop it. Don’t say anything else. Please.” He hesitantly reached his hand up to smooth the hair off of my face that had been plastered there by drying tears and frozen air. When I didn’t protest he gently rested his hand on the back of my head, tangling his fingers in the dark strands.  “ _You_ have nothing to be sorry for, do you hear me? I am, the biggest jackass that has probably ever existed.” My head whipped up at the use of the expletive which caused his hand to slightly pull at my hair. “We’re supposed to be a family, but I left you to sink. All those things, those awful things I said to you, I didn’t mean them. I was _scared_.” I nodded jerkily, understanding that seeing Nat bleeding through her suit with a bullet in her could shake up anyone, well except her apparently.

    “I could have gotten her killed.” I muttered quietly and a humorless laugh tumbled out from between his lips, red from the cold air. He tightened the grip on the back of head, but not uncomfortably so.

    “I wasn’t scared for Nat. We’ve seen her take way worse than that. She was back on her feet the next day like nothing ever happened. In fact, she was so fine that she had absolutely no problem busting my ass five ways to Sunday when she found out you were gone.  “I flinched at his words, letting that very unpleasant picture unfold in my mind. “I was scared for you, you stubborn ass. You are infuriating do you know that? You drive me absolutely crazy.” I flinched again, knowing that this was now taking the turn into the berating I had expected it to be in the first place. “ _Look at me_. I was so worried. We all were. I looked everywhere for you. I called your phone two hundred times before I found it in the jet.”

    “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“  An honest to god growl came from his chest and I stopped immediately. He had his head titled up to black, starless sky, probably counting to ten in his head. “Sorry, I’m being infuriating again.” He released all holds on me and began to pace in front of me, driving a trail into the deep snow. When he turned back to look at me, he had an unreadable expression on his face. His dark brows were knit together in the way they usually are when he’s got his sketch book in his lap, or he’s trying to place a reference he doesn’t understand.

    “Thor finally came by, about a week after you’d been gone. He told us you were safe, on Asgard. Honestly was probably the last place I would have thought you’d go. He let us know you were getting help, and you were already a lot better than you were when you showed up there. Then he threatened to smite me and Bucky.” He huffed a laugh before continuing. “In my mind, I thought you’d be back in a couple weeks. I told myself you just needed some time to regroup. But then the months kept going by and Christmas was coming and I know how much you love Christmas and when you didn’t even come home for that…”

    “Steve, you’re rambling.” He muttered a quiet “ _Right.”_ under his breath.

     “Look, I’m screwing this up. I want you to come home. I miss your jokes, and I miss you constantly hounding me for not understanding pop culture references, I miss you yelling at Sam for leaving his dishes all over the kitchen. I just really miss _you_ and I’m an idiot and I am-“

     “A jackass?” His dropped his shoulders and laughed half-heartedly before slowly approaching me again, taking my face carefully in between his hands and brushing his thumbs over my cheek bones.

    “The biggest to ever exist, and a very sorry one. You and me, I know it’s not always easy between us. It’s not exactly, stable or steady. Maybe I’m too scared to put a real label on us because things like this happen and then I have to think about what it might mean to lose you. I love you, with everything that’s mine to give you, and that’s what I know.”

    “That’s one hell of an apology. I guess I’d be the jackass if I said I didn’t accept it.”

     “Tell me that you feel the same way, and we’ll call it square.”

      “I love you too.”

      “Great. It’s been six months since I’ve kissed you and it’s killin me to be so close to you darlin so will you let me?” I laughed and nodded my permission. The kiss was feather light at first, like he was waiting for me to push him away, but when I returned his affections he deepened it to show me just how much he’d missed me. When he finally pulled back he pulled me off the table and into his arms clutching me tightly against his chest, his hand back in my hair.

     A series and whoops and cheers sounded from the door and the team was huddled around the small space watching the scene unfold. I rolled my eyes good naturedly at them and waved them away.

    “Alright, now get your asses in here. I slaved away over a Christmas dinner since your ass missed it the first time!” Sam was waving us in, a grin on his face despite the tone of irritation lacing his voice. I turned my attention back to Steve.

    “You guys flew a Christmas dinner all the way from New York?”

    “Yeah, it was Pepper’s idea.” He still had in his arms, legs wrapped around his waist.

    “And what if this would have all gone sideways?”

    “We hadn’t actually thought that far ahead.” I laughed and he lowered me into the snow, taking my hand in his, letting him lead us back into the warm house where our family was waiting.


	2. With a Little Help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaaack. I'm the queen on one-shots. Seriously, I've gotten a million just hanging out in my docs. But, you guys were so sweet with all the kudos. Marvelfan2008 requested a full story and I'm not sure I'm confident to deliver that but here's part two...and I may currently be writing part three. Anyway, thank you all so much. As usual, I own nothing in any of the Marvel universes, only Kitty.  
> xoxo

   I hadn't realized how cold I had actually been until we stepped through the doorway and into the blazing warmth of the newly remodeled row house. Goosebumps sprang up and down my body as it tried to adjust from the rapid temperature change. I shrugged my jacket off and threw it over the arm of the love seat near the door and was about to remove my shoes but I was nearly knocked off my feet by the unexpected force of the two slim arms wrapped around my neck. A strawberry blonde ponytail was the only identifying feature of my assailant until she practically starting shrieking in my ear.

   “Oh my god Steve! What were you thinking keeping her out there so long? She's practically freezing to the touch!” I slowly eased into Pepper’s hug, taking in her familiar perfume that smelled like a decadent vanilla dessert. She pulled away from the embrace long enough to shoot a glare in Steve’s direction. He stayed silent behind us and though I couldn't actually see his reaction I imagined it was probably a sheepish grin coupled with a nervous hand around the back of his neck. Pepper pushed me away enough so she could take my face in her gloriously warm hands. “You’re such a sight for sore eyes. Are you okay? Do you need anything? How about a blanket, or some coffee? Oh my god I was so worried!” I had opened my mouth several times to reply, her questions cutting me off one after the next.

   “I missed you too Pepper.” She smiled despite the tears welling behind her bright hazel eyes and pulled me against her once more. 

   “Don’t you  _ ever _ leave me alone with your father like that again.” 

   “Consider it payback for the all the times you left me with him while you were on  _ business  _ trips in Malibu.” She laughed loudly against my shoulder and rocked me back and forth a couple times before finally relinquishing her hold. She shrugged off the gray cable-knit cardigan she was wearing over her white t-shirt and gestured for me to put it on. I tried to decline but she gave me a withering look so I complied, relishing in the soft warmth it provided. She took my hand and began pulling me towards the slim spiral staircase that lead upstairs.

   “C’mon you two, let’s get some food in you.” I gave her delicate hand a squeeze in agreement and followed close on her heels, periodically throwing looks over my shoulder to make sure Steve was following. He answered each look with a soft smile and nod of reassurance. Before we even reached door at the top of the stairs I could smell the food and my mouth began to eagerly water in anticipation.  

   We walked through the slim butler’s pantry just lead into the kitchen to reveal the long marble topped island completely covered in a Christmas feast, a proud looking Sam standing at the end, arms open wide in presentation. My hand went to mouth in shock and I couldn't find the words to express my gratitude, so I strode over to Sam and squeezed him tightly. His chest rumbled with a quiet laugh he let out and he wrapped his thick arms tightly around me.

   “Thank you, thank you so much.”

   “Hey, don’t be cryin on my shirt, it’s cashmere. But you're welcome.” Over Sam’s broad shoulders, Peter leaned against the cherry cabinets with a soft smile on his face. Still in Sam’s embrace, I addressed him softly.

   “Did you give me up?” He must have thought I was angry because he was frantically shaking his head no, eyes wide. 

   "No,” came the unmistakably booming voice of Thor. “I did.” He slapped his hand against the patch of skin between my shoulders nearly knocking the breath from my chest. I shot him a wry smile, trying to ignore the smug look resting on his features.

   “Thor."Did you miss me already? I’ve only been gone a week.”

   “Certainly not. I heard there were to be Yule celebrations and I could not decline an invitation.” He turned his head downwards slightly toward the flask in his hand, shaking it slightly for effect, making the liquid inside slosh around. 

   “Seriously?” A toothy grin was his reply.

   “Can’t exactly remember the feeling, but I remember booze bein a good way to break the ice.” Bucky leaned against the dark cherry door frame with his broad arms crossed over his chest. A lazy smile played on his lips accented by the full dark beard that had taken over his sharp face. “Hey doll.” I backed away from Sam and Thor to face him and mirror his stance, arms crossed loosely over my chest.

   “Hey JB.” He groaned and tried to look irritated at the nickname like he always did but he couldn't keep the wide smile off his face. A light shove from behind, care of Steve, pushed me into Bucky’s arms. He hesitantly patted my back at first before relaxing into my hug. He leaned his face down close to my ear but didn't try to keep his voice quiet as he spoke to me.

   "I missed my  _ best friend _ .” A choking sound made me spin to catch Steve’s hand clapped over his nose and mouth, the flask of Asgardian liquor hanging loosely in his palm. He tried to feign a look of hurt but the mischievous glint in his eyes gave him away. He took a step forward to wrap his hand around my bicep and pull me against him.

   “Quit flirting with my girl ya jerk.” I turned my face up to his, but he only flicked his eyes down to me, silently asking permission to address me that way. I rested my head on his chest as a silent reply. Bucky’s grin morphed into a smile so wide it looked painful. A rare sight indeed.

   “Don’t know what you're talkin about Rogers, she was  _ my solnyshko  _ before your ass was thawed out.” Nat’s lithe figure sashayed through the doorway, purposely bumping Bucky’s hip with her own to knock him just slightly off balance. He threw a curse in Russian in her direction with a playful scowl. I ran to her, almost taking her down to the floor which made her laugh, the velvety sound warming my heart.

   “I’m sorry.” I whispered gruffly into her shirt. She squeezed my tightly and then wound her hand through my hair so she could tug on it just hard enough to prove a point.

   “Say it again and I’ll put you through the window.” It would have been more amusing if there was even a shadow of a doubt that she could follow through with the threat, if she felt so inclined. When I didn't supply a retort she ran her hand through my hair lovingly without any tugging and that's all I needed to know all was forgiven between us. Clearly deciding that if she showed anymore affection there would be too much talk of her going soft, she pushed me away gently but kept her arm loosely around my waist as she turned to face the group that now included a smiling Wanda, her hand clasping Vision’s tightly in her own. “That goes for everyone, got it? Everyone’s sorry, everyone’s happy to see Kitty, Thor brought the booze, let’s get to Christmas.” Sam whooped and clapped his hands together, eagerly passing out plates as everyone got in line to start filling them. 

   I hung back and let them fill their plates first, content to listen to the excited chatter when the thought occurred to me we were down a teammate. I caught Tony’s arm as he strode by with a plate full of food and one hand, glass of scotch in the other.

   “Hey, where’s Bruce?” 

   “Late, as usual” Natasha called over her shoulder as she walked between us with her own food. 

   “Running an errand for Pepper. You know he can’t refuse her. Should be here soon.” I watched as he settled himself at the head of the enormous table in the adjoining room, internally patting myself on the back for not letting the saleswoman talk me into the “perfectly practical” six seater. I assured her there was nothing practical about the kinds of gatherings I may be occasionally hosting. A glass of wine appeared in front of my face care of Bucky. 

  “You need to fire your hairstylist.” I chuckled into the wine glass and he subconsciously ran a hair through the obscenely long strands before ruffling my own. 

  “Yeah well, thing is, I had this dame who cut my hair for years, the only one I’d ever let touch this head. But can you believe it, she just up and left without sayin a word. Decided I had to leave it the way it was cus I wasn’t lettin anyone else do it.”

   “Message received JB, I’ll handle it first thing tomorrow.”

   “Stop callin me that” I reached to pat him arm but he ducked away from me, trying to keep his food from tumbling off his plate.

   “Sure, soon as you quit calling me  _ doll _ .”

   “Hey princess! Get your ass in here and get some of this food that we made for  _ you _ .” Sam looked distastefully in my direction before deftly swatting Thor’s large hand away from the second platter of mashed potatoes with a wooden spoon he was holding. “I saw you eat two plates of potatoes already.” Thor glared at him before stalking away with what he already had on his plate. Bucky nudged me forward and Sam handed over a clean plate. The Falcon surveyed my actions until he was satisfied that I had an adequate amount of food covering the plate before filling his own.. 

   I settled myself between Vis and Pepper and across from Steve who was thoroughly engrossed in a debate with Bucky about some pre-serum antic the two of them had been involved in, only interrupted by snarky interjections from Tony where he could fit them in. I leaned into Vision’s shoulder so I could whisper to him, though it was more so Sam couldn't here than for the AI’s benefit.

   “Thank you for cooking all of this Vis. And letting Sam take the credit.” A knowing smile from both he and Wanda made in chuckle before shoving a forkful of salad into my mouth.

   “He  _ did _ lend some assistance.” I stopped my fork midway to my mouth, turning toward him with an arched brow.

   “Yes, he burned three trays of biscuits and ate half a dozen cookies. And that was after he accidentally cut his finger open and bled all over the sweet potatoes.” Wanda’s face showed no evidence of joking as I listened to her explanation with a grimace. Our eyes locked intensely for a few moments before she dissolved into shaking laughter, slamming her hand a few times on the table which only set me off into my own laughing fit drawing everyone’s attention to us.

   “Anything you care to share with the class?” Tony’s tone was one of boredom and maybe irritation in being left out of the joke. Unable to compose myself long enough to speak I left it to Wanda to wave him off in between gasping breaths. The sound of the front door swinging open and banging against the wall broke through the laughter and I shot up, running over in alarm to see what caused the commotion. However when I made it to the front hall all I could see was the bushy green top of an Evergreen tree pushing its way through the much too narrow doorway. 

   “Lift with your  _ knees _ Banner, c’mon it’s like you're not even helping.” Though I couldn't see even an inch around the large conifer, I was all too familiar with Clint’s ‘irritated voice”. 

   “I’m tryin man give me a break. I told you it wasn’t gonna fit but no one ever listens to the  _ doctor.” _

   “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had a PHD in Christmas trees.” Steve and Bucky had both curiously peaked their heads into the hallway and while Steve rolled his eyes, Bucky had an evil grin spread across his face. I punched him in the shoulder not sporting a metal arm and after a dramatic sigh he joined his friends in grabbing what he could of the tree. 

   “What in the hell is this?” I asked as the four men shimmied the tree into the much too narrow hall, grimacing as the sharp branches scraped across the wood paneled walls. They seemed to be having a much easier time with the two super-soldiers at the helm but Clint was still breathing heavily as he stopped to stare at me in disbelief. He shoved his hands up to the ceiling and then down to the tree. His abrupt actions caused the tree to drop several inches and elicited groans from the other three men who were not expecting the sudden increase in weight.

   “The hell does it look like? It’s your Christmas tree. Pepper says we’re having Christmas. Here’s your goddamn Christmas.” He was bent over, his hands resting on top of his denim covered thighs trying to catch his breath. I grasped his shoulder trying to show support but my act was thwarted by the laugh I was barely managing to keep behind my lips.

   “Oh Bruce it’s  _ perfect _ ” Pepper clapped her hands approvingly as the three remaining men placed the trunk of the tree securely into the base someone must have put down when I wasn’t looking. Clint’s head shot up in Pepper’s direction, a high pitched whine coming from his mouth. He quickly jogged over to the group so he was standing between Bruce and Pepper.

   “I’ll be taking any and all credit for that damn tree. I had to go find him in that tree farm, pick it out because Mr. PHD couldn’t decide, _and_ cut it down. Oh and ya know I carried it to _and_ from the car.” Pepper schooled her features so well you’d have thought she was in a meeting with foreign diplomats.

   “It’s a very lovely tree. Thank you  _ both _ for doing this for Kitty.” Clint seemed satisfied with her answer. He cleared his throat and nodded tersely before he started to grumble nervously.

   “Well, I mean, it was nothin. Can’t have Christmas without a tree.” After Pepper approved the positioning of the tree, Bruce wiped his sweaty brow on the arm of his shirt before seeming to only notice me at that moment. He smiled brightly and hugged me gently.

   “Good to see you Kitty. You look good.”

   “You too Bruce.”

   “Yeah well we all know I look  _ great  _ so let’s just skip all of this and get to presents.” Tony shoved passed us and went around to the back of the couch to grab a large red bag that made him look decidedly like Santa. 

   “Those aren’t  _ all _ for me?”  I questioned him nervously as he deposited the bag at my feet.

   “Wow, self-centered much? I though-”

   “We waited to do gifts. We hoped that you’d be home soon, so we could do them together, like we always do.” Wanda gracefully interrupted Tony’s rambling and pulled my hand into her own, squeezing it gently. I did nothing to stop the tears that slowly dripped onto the bag. Steve stepped to my side and pulled me into his warm chest, Wanda’s fingers still laced through mine. 

   “Yeah what she said.” Tony grumbled to himself as he plopped down in the armchair behind him. “C’mon, c’mon! Some of us in the room still age.” I swiped the tears from my eyes and turned to Steve.

  “Can you help me with something?” He nodded and let me pull away and I replaced Wanda’s hand with his much larger and warmer one, dragging him out of the room and towards the stairs. Tony’s groaning filled my ears as we went.

   I took the stairs two at a time, Steve huffing a laugh behind me. I shouldered open the door of my bedroom and pulled him along until he was in the center of the room on the large fuzzy purple rug. I darted for the walk-in closet, digging furiously through it as he looked around the room. When I re-emerged he had that same unreadable expression on his face from earlier. 

   “Penny for your thoughts?” He shook himself from his daze to look towards me with a shy smile, running his hands over his thick beard not unlike Bucky’s. The beard came and went like the seasons it seemed. He too was in desperate need of a haircut as the strands at the back of his neck were starting to curl outward. 

   “I like this room. It reminds me of you.”

   “Well, it is  _ my _ room.” He put his hands in his pockets and nodded.

   “Yeah, but this  _ feels  _ like your room. It’s so much...warmer than the one at the tower.” I think over his words, realizing he isn't wrong with his assessment. I didn’t have a lot of input on the apartment at the tower. It was pretty much like everyone else’s and I just went with it. I’d never had a space that was truly all my own until this one.

   The walls were coated in a deep gray accented by the white trim an ornate crown molding. The furniture was all true to the late 1800’s when the home was built but I had lovingly restored each piece. The decorations were simple, but I realized they were much more personal than the ones I kept at the tower. Picture frames filled with mostly candid photos of the team adorned the walls and also dotted the tops of the dressers, along with a trinket box that had once belonged to Frigga.

   “I guess you’re right. When Tony renovated the tower, everything was already done. I didn’t put much thought into personalizing it. When I bought this place, it was a total gut job. You would have demanded I put it right back on the market. It took years to get it here and I wanted to make it my own I guess.” He nodded absently. He hesitantly took a seat on the edge of the king bed, making it look small despite the real-estate it took up in the room.

   “Why didn't you tell me you bought this place?” He looked sad now, his thick brows pinched in the center of his forehead. I sighed and moved to sit beside him, my knees knocking against his.

   “I wanted to. When I bought it, you were the first person I wanted to tell, but things weren't exactly great with us at the time. The renovations had been going on for a year before I had the wild idea to steal you for the weekend to come and see it, but then Peggy died and the timing didn't seem ideal. So then I just decided to keep it to myself. And I did, for a long time. Until I realized that since I paid in cash and had the sense to use a fake name, this could be a pretty good place to lay low if shit ever hit the fan. So, I finally broke down and told Tony and Pepper and with that came another year of renovations to install a lab, and security.” He was nodding slowly, thankfully not interrupting even though I could tell he was dying to.

   “So, what about Clint. He always seems to know what’s going on with you, even when no one else does.” I looked at him with slightly narrowed eyes. Something that sounded suspiciously like jealousy was seeping into his previously even tone. 

   “Clint’s family is my family.” He opened his mouth to interject but I covered his lips with my index family. “Yes, we’re all a family. But Clint’s got three small kids to protect and those kids are important to me too. I told him for the same reason I told Tony. If things were to ever go sideways, they would be safe here.” He deflated, realizing he couldn't argue with my reasoning. He pressed a soft kiss to the finger still covering his lips and I removed it so he could speak.

   “I thought you didn’t like kids?” 

   “No, I don’t like bratty kids. Wait, that’s all you have to say?” He leaned back on the bed, palms flat on the comforter to support himself. I was trying to chase the thoughts of how good he looked in my bed out of my mind. He chuckled and shrugged.

   “I get it. Doesn't change the fact I wish you woulda been comfortable enough to share it with me. I coulda helped. I’m pretty handy with a hammer.” His bright blue eyes flicked to mine, full of sincerity. I scoffed and flopped back on the bed, staring up at the stark white ceiling.

   “You almost had a meltdown putting together that bookshelf we bought from Ikea.”

   “Hey! The directions they give aren’t even really directions, just pictures of pieces they don't even put in the damn box.” I laughed loudly at his hurt expression and covered his hand with my own.

   “Okay, okay calm down. If it’ll make you feel better, there’s still a few small projects I’ve got on my list.” He shifted his body closer to mine and lay himself flat on his back, mimicking my state on the bed. He never let go of my hand, only pulled my fingers in between his own to hold it properly.

   “Bed’s too soft.” Despite his complaining his eyes were closed letting his long lashes rest on the top of his cheekbones.

   “Well I was thinking more like refinishing the built-ins in the office, but we could compromise on a new bed.” His eyes shot open and slid slowly in my direction. His unreadable expression made me nervous. Had I read too much into his words? How did I know he wanted to share a bed with me? We had slept together before. Missions that only came with one bed in the room, movie nights that went late into the evenings, but never with any thought behind the action. “But I mean one of the guest rooms has a pretty firm mattress.” I was trying to give him an out so he didn’t have to hurt my feelings.

   “S’good. Sam can’t sleep in a fluffy bed either. Make sure you let him know which room it is.” I swallowed thickly, digesting his words, still overthinking them. I felt my brows knit together and he sighed loudly rolling on his side to face me. His eyes were so intense it made flick my own down to the blankets beneath us. “This is my way of tellin you that I’m stayin right here. But seriously, if we’re gonna be here a lot, I can’t sleep in this bed.” My eyes slowly trailed over his long form back to his eyes. The goofy smile he had playing on his lips effectively drew one of my own out. 

   I decided to swallow my nerves and rolled towards him to plant a soft kiss on that smile and readily returned it, deepening it when I tried to pull away. My hand found its way to his hip where I lightly traced circles on the tiny patch of exposed skin where his shirt had rode up. A husky moan escaped him as I bade his probing tongue access and I couldn’t stop my body from returning it. 

   Booming footsteps coming up the stairs made me jump backwards, nearly tumbling off the side of the bed if not for Steve’s hand grabbing the belt loop on my jeans to wrench me back a couple inches. We quickly jumped off the bed and straightened out rumpled clothes just as Clint’s form filled the doorway.

   His face was stern, but I could see the amusement his face in the way the corners of his eyes crinkled a little. “Seriously? C’mon, you can makeup later. Preferably when we all leave.” Steve’s entire face and down his neck was nearly tomato red, but Clint’s teasing rarely got to me. 

   “Whatever. I had to find this.” I gestured down to the pile of wrapped gifts between us. “My closet is like a black hole. Make yourself useful and grab some.” He didn’t argue, just grabbed a stack and left the room, but not before throwing us his best disappointed dad look. I chuckled and stacked a pile in Steve’s large arms before scooping up the remainder. I used my elbow to turn off the light behind his and met Steve at the top of the stairs. His arms were full of gifts but he carefully bent down to place a small kiss to my temple before we started down the stairs.

   “So...bed shopping tomorrow?” 

   “Sure Rogers. But not before haircuts. Honestly with that hair and those beards you and Bucky look like bums.” 

   “Yeah, yeah.”


End file.
